TRIGGER WARNING: DEATH, SUICIDE, MENTAL HEALTH, DEPRESSION, SEXUAL ASSAULT
It has been almost two years since you’ve left this earthly plane. I still miss you, I miss your laugh, your smart comebacks, your dancing, the side-eyeing and your words of encouragement.
Little did I know that summer when you buried your mom, my grandma along with displaced from a hurricane that it was going to kick off the spiral of depression and suicide.
Depression manifests differently in everyone.
My depression makes me feel the darkness of energy and tears constantly. My depression is me wanting to run away from the world and hide in a cave for weeks. My depression is me allowing the clothes to pile up, ignoring calls, and naps. My depression makes me want to eat all of the time.
Her depression was her stop eating, stop moving, stop talking. Tears came here and there. Her depression allowed her to still read her bible and pray. Her depression caused her to stop listening to music, stop singing and stop dancing. Her depression was dark and heavy, making her lifeless most of the time. Her depression caused her to ignore her best friends and her family. She still had some fight and snark but not a lot. My aunt (her baby sister) and I were the only two trusted persons she granted to take care of her. Who she would still talk too or laugh with.
She would let my brother know she was praying for him or that she was “okay”.
There was no stopping her depression. The medicine did not help because her body could not absorb it due to her not eating. Her depression exploded after only two therapist sessions this was November 2018. I didn’t know she only had a month left.
As I looked on from a child and fellow depressed person, I felt helpless. I wanted her to live, to get up and move. I fought with her, cried with her, wanted to take her place. I couldn’t. This life is a one person race. I took note that the lack of food intake and hiding food was a form of suicide. She was slowly dying on her terms. She did not want to take her life in the normal fashions of suicide by overdose or self-harm. She was doing it another way.
When I had expressed my suicidal thoughts to her on various occasions she told me folks that killed themselves were selfish. They did not care about the people that they left behind.
I wondered in those last weeks, did she consider herself to be selfish or was she just extending her time with my aunt and me just because she was trying to hang on. Some days she would get up and move, I felt encouraged but they were only a facade. She was ready to go.
I was working at the post office during their holiday season and taking care of my mom. 12 hours a day another 2 or 3 hours of making sure she ate, bathe and anything else she needed. It was Christmas week, my girls were returning from a 2 week vacation with my dad. I worked from 5 am to 3 pm, rushed home to nap, barely made it to Atlanta safely to get them so I could return back home. On the ride back home December 22nd, I told mom, I would come and get her for Christmas since I don’t celebrate and would be working. She said no she would be okay. She was able to talk to my daughters, she was weak but she wanted to hear them.
On December 26th, I woke up to a surprising text that my mom was rushed to the ER because of bleeding. We had just seen her earlier that evening, so we made sure she ate and bathed. My youngest helped her this time. The last time I spoke to her fully, she was angry because I was not home resting. She was upset when she first saw me, still trying to be my mom, wanting me to be home resting not at the ER with her. They had found a blood clot so she needed surgery. I stayed with her till she was wheeled away, My brother got the last, I love you via phone.
Mom never fully recovered from the surgery. She transitioned on December 31st 2018, one day after my son’s 24th birthday and two days after my aunt, her baby sister lost her husband.
People want to wish depression away. People want to keep it in the closet and not talk about it. Some shame folks and claim they aren’t trying hard enough to live. Some claim people are just looking for attention. Some want to pray depression away. Some turn to alcohol, others to weed, there are others that go to coke, heroin, or meth.
The Mental Health crisis in the United States is so out of order, we must get a grasp on it. In the Black Community mental health is shamed and trivialized due to white supremacy. Black people exist in this country with so many odds stacked against us. We have been instilled in us that we must be strong, respectable and non-aggressive. We must be the perfect citizen so that we can succeed and receive the American dream.
Sadly, the American dream was not created for African Americans. We were brought here for white people to achieve greatness. All that we have accomplished has been through overcoming and being the mighty people that we came from. So our mental health has been damaged for over 400 years.
As we move through 2020, the exhaustion, the constant trauma, and pandemic has tripled the Mental Health crisis that is in our African American community.
When I think of my mom, I wonder how she would’ve handled living in 2020. Would she have gotten over her childhood traumas, the grief of her mother dying a week before her 65 birthday, or the sexual trauma? Would she be in the streets screaming BLACK LIVES MATTER? Or opening her home to our Black Trans Sisters or would she be donating her money and resources to the causes? Could I keep her from her favorite stores during the COVID restrictions? How would she be handling the Post Office vs Dump shit as an unionized employee? Would she be telling family and friends to go to therapy or still side-eye therapy talk?
I share my mom’s story as a way to let you know, the depression you feel is real. There is no shame in having it. We (Black Americans) have this trauma in our blood. It’s a hard pill to swallow and lots of people are still hiding from it. You do not have to hide from it.
Going to therapy is normal and needed. We all need to go to therapy. We can’t just will our mental health away. There are times when you need to chat it through with a professional therapist. Our family and friends can relate to some of our stories but a therapist is there to provide a safe outlet for you to move through your trauma.
I am a Spiritual Coach, I go to therapy. I help persons feel empowered and heal but I also know my lane. I can not diagnose or prescribe medicine. I can help work in collaboration with your therapist but I can replace them.
During this Suicide prevention week, I would like to encourage you to find a therapist if you do not have one. Right now with COVID, we could all use a person to talk to, heal with and release our traumas.
Suicide Prevention Hotline
800-273-8255
Sexual Assault Hotline
800-656-4673
Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-723
Trans Lifeline
877-565-8860
To find a low cost therapist, go to http://openpathcollective.org
